SALT LAKE CITY — NBA Hall of Fame legend and former Utah Jazz player Karl Malone is reportedly enduring a sustained period of ennui and interpersonal disconnect, manifesting in desperate, semi-anonymous posts on a local online dating forum.
Lately, the basketball superstar has turned to Craigslist’s “Missed Connections” page for Salt Lake City as a means to passively abate a romantic longing that has been silently eating away at his soul for years. Writing to a “foxy lady at West Valley Walmart tire & lube,” Malone admitted that he had experienced recent feelings of despondence and loneliness. But, he said, occasional encounters with “sassy, strong, independent women with a good job like yourself” have offered brief moments of optimism in his otherwise colorless existence.
However, Malone’s chosen outlet for his discontent seems to offer little more than short-term gratification. After posting nearly fifty times in “Missed Connections,” the second-best scorer in NBA history is yet to receive a reply. Privately, Malone chalks up his continued failure to connect to a “persistent existential conspiracy which afflicts all passionate hearts and contemplative minds.”
Still, “The Mailman” refuses to lose hope. In a post addressed to a “delicious piece of ass at Taco Time,” the two-time NBA MVP stated, “I figure I have nothing to lose. We definitely had a moment and I just want to see if anything is there. Tell me how many crispy beef burritos I ordered so I know it’s you.”
When he was reached for comment for this story, Malone was sitting in the library using free wifi while he contemplated approaching “a solid nine” in the DVD section.