CELESTIAL KINGDOM — God struggled to articulate His position on medical marijuana to a new inhabitant of Heaven on Monday, according to numerous reports.
The Creator of the Universe repeatedly stumbled over His words while speaking to former Draper, Utah, resident Beth Rosenthal, who had died of a painful terminal illness over the weekend. When introduced to her Lord, Rosenthal initially praised Him for His innumerable blessings. But praise turned to pointed questions as the newly-eternal soul pressed Heavenly Father on His hardline opposition to medical marijuana.
“Thy earthly pain was, uh, truly regrettable,” God said. “But I can totally repay thee with, like, an eternity of Heavenly, uh, things.”
According to Rosenthal, THC was the lone effective treatment in reducing her often-unbearable symptoms. But upon hearing that medical marijuana was discouraged by her church, she reluctantly ceased treatment.
“I forgive thee, my child—I mean, for partaking in thy marijuana. We all sinneth, I guess.”