Ben Carson Ends Campaign, Citing Prior Commitment to Kiwanis

ben carson republican president kiwanis

Retired neurosurgeon and former presidential candidate Ben Carson extols the virtues of being an “ass man” during his closing statement at a recent Republican presidential debate.

WASHINGTON — Ben Carson has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination, citing a prior commitment to serve as the official minute taker for meetings at his local Kiwanis club.

Carson told his supporters on Wednesday that he stumbled upon the scheduling conflict while scanning his email spam folder. He made the announcement in a group text.

“As everybody knows, I am a man of my word,” Carson said. “My duty to the Severna Park Kiwanis comes before my personal ambitions.”

However, an officer of the Severna Park Kiwanis in Maryland, who wished not to be named, said they couldn’t recall ever speaking with Carson about being a minute taker in any official capacity.

“He shows up once in a while because he likes the buffalo wings at the restaurant where we meet,” the officer claimed. “He always offers to take notes before the meeting, but when the meeting starts he’s got sauce all over his fingers. So he holds his hands up and he’s like, ‘Can’t. Sauce.’ And every frigging time he acts like it’s the funniest goddamn thing he’s ever said.”

The restaurant where the club meets, Bill Bateman’s Bistro, is widely known throughout the region as having “the best buffalo wings in town.”

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